"It’s the pig one."
Clarkson's Farm - Movie Quotes
Memorable Quotes
You rural halfwit!
— Jeremy Clarkson
Context:
Said numerous times across all seasons, typically after Kaleb points out a very obvious and expensive mistake Clarkson has made, such as drilling tramlines incorrectly or buying the wrong piece of equipment.
Meaning:
This is Clarkson's signature, exasperated insult directed at Kaleb. It's significant because it's entirely ironic; Kaleb is the farming expert, and Clarkson is the clueless one. The phrase encapsulates their comedic, bickering relationship where Clarkson's urban arrogance clashes with Kaleb's rural expertise.
That is as straight as a roundabout.
— Kaleb Cooper
Context:
This quote is used in Season 1 when Kaleb inspects Jeremy's first attempts at cultivating a field. The sight of the wobbly, chaotic lines prompts this hilarious and memorable assessment of his boss's skills.
Meaning:
Kaleb's scathing critique of Clarkson's attempts to plow or drill a straight line in a field. It perfectly captures Kaleb's obsession with precision in farming and his utter disdain for Clarkson's shoddy workmanship. It has become one of his most iconic catchphrases.
I'm basically Alan Sugar in wellies.
— Jeremy Clarkson
Context:
Clarkson often says this when one of his business ideas, like the farm shop or making chutney, shows a glimmer of success, before Cheerful Charlie inevitably arrives with a spreadsheet to prove he's losing money.
Meaning:
A classic piece of Clarkson hyperbole, comparing himself to the famously tough British business magnate. It reveals his self-perception as a shrewd entrepreneur, which is immediately and humorously undercut by the financial failures and practical disasters that constantly plague the farm.
I've grown a thing!
— Jeremy Clarkson
Context:
Said with genuine delight in Season 1 after his wasabi plants or other crops begin to successfully sprout, representing his first tangible victory against the challenges of agriculture.
Meaning:
This quote captures the pure, almost childlike, wonder and pride Clarkson discovers in the simple act of successful farming. For a man used to explosive, grand-scale adventures, the simple achievement of cultivating a vegetable becomes a profound moment, symbolizing his fundamental shift in perspective.
Why does everybody shout at me all the time? I literally get up in the morning and people shout at me.
— Jeremy Clarkson
Context:
This is a recurring sentiment, often expressed after a particularly intense telling-off from Kaleb about a farming error, or from Charlie about a financial misstep, or from Lisa about a chaotic decision regarding the shop.
Meaning:
A moment of comedic self-pity that highlights Clarkson's position as the bumbling amateur at the center of the storm. It's funny because the shouting is almost always a direct and justified consequence of his own mistakes, but he frames it as though he's an innocent victim.